The English have a proud tradition of rotundity having invented fatness back in Medieval times. Then it was frowned upon for the local Baron not to weigh more than his largest livestock and hence the English nobility were the envy of all of Europe.

As the English had not yet invented divorce Henry VIII fanously ate his second wife, Anne Boleyn

As the English had not yet invented divorce Henry VIII fanously ate his second wife, Anne Boleyn

During the countless times the English defeated their foreign neighbours in battles, wars and dust-ups it was not an un-common site for the English King to be carried onto the battlefield in a sedan chair borne by 4 elephants. The defeated King Louis VIII of France, having had his royal backside handed to him on a platter by Henry III during the Saintonge War, muttered the now-famous last words: “Mon deui, il a les buttocks d’un hippopotamus”.

However, as English adventurers discovered the new worlds of America and the South Pacific, it became clear that there was serious competition out there and if England were to retain its title of “Portliest Empire” it would have to step up its game. This led to the government of the time forming the Institute of the Big-Boned where top scientists and dieticians worked together to solve this crisis.

These scientists scoured Europe in the course of their research and by combining key elements from the cooking of Scotland, the physical fitness regime of the Italian army and the genetics of Greek women were able to unveil, in 1723, the first of a new breed of super-fatty: Stanley Orpington.

Stanley Orpington considers a snack before lunch.

Stanley Orpington considers a snack before lunch.

Stanley weighed 43 stones and although measuring techniques were more primitive in those days it was recorded that “upon being rolled juste one time, from back to bellie and once more to back, he was transported from outside of the front doore  of Mrs. Gordon’s Gyn Shoppe to the steppes of the Underprivileged Orphans Workhouse/Knocking shoppe,  a distance of quite some yardes”.

England’s top scientists had prevailed and soon the chair-breaking techniques used to produce Stanley were used throughout the kingdom and the girth of the Englishman was once again the envy of the whole World.

Related non-invention:
Morbid obesity (non-invented by the Americans):  If you weigh more than your sofa you should be feeling a tad gloomy, Bubba. Whimsical obesity, now that would be an invention.

Related non-invention:
Welsh Rarebit (Non-invented by the Welsh): Oi Aled, if you are going to nick an English meal and pretend it’s Welsh at least add a bloody leek.

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